“My child comes to me saying that they’re struggling with gender dysphoria, but I don’t know how to respond.” Lots of well-meaning parents approach us with this very important question. So… what should you say and do?
Genuinely listen to your child and truly sympathize with what they’re telling you. Be patient. The DSM-5 recognizes gender dysphoria as a medical condition (not a mental disorder as per outdated definitions). Your child’s concerns are legitimate, backed by science, and extremely real. Your child knows who they are, and it’s the job of parents and providers to assist them on their gender journey and offer unwavering support. Clearly tell your child that you love, accept, and support them for who they really are. Let’s all see our children the way they see themselves.
The DSM-5 defines gender dysphoria in children as a “marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, lasting at least 6 months.” The DSM-5 lists several criteria for recognizing gender dysphoria in varying age groups, all of which can be found on TYEF’s “Resources for Parents” page. Gender dysphoria often causes extreme clinical distress and anxiety for the child, and it can result in self-destructive behavior if left unchecked. The severity of your child’s distress must be emphasized here - it can be all-encompassing. Gender dysphoria is one of the scariest things that a child can experience. The extreme incongruence between their body and mind can be incredibly painful. It is a common yet serious issue, and many youth can lose hope if they don’t feel supported. Support from a parent or guardian is integral to providing comfort, improving mental and physical health, and ensuring that your child doesn’t lose hope.
One of the best things you can do when your child talks about their gender dysphoria is to listen to their needs. Many gender dysphoric youth feel that they are alone, and that nobody could ever understand what they’re going through. Let them know that you really do understand what they’re going through and that you know how important their concerns are. If your child communicates to you that they need to seek medical treatment for their dysphoria, act on this by finding a transgender-affirming doctor or endocrinologist. TYEF has an extensive list of medical contacts, so you can always contact us. A Google search of trans youth-supportive medical providers in your area could also be beneficial. Consider looking for medical support out of state if necessary and feasible.
Your child may express their need for other non-medical methods of alleviating their gender dysphoria. These could include (but are not limited to): wearing the clothes and accessories of their affirmed gender, cutting or growing out their hair, shaving or not shaving their body hair, and altering their voice. There is a good chance they will be interested in using gender-affirming gear such as binders (for flattening their chest), gaffs (for hiding the genitals of a child designated male at birth), or breast forms (many of our youth like to call these “chicken cutlets” because of how they look). Again, communication and genuinely listening to your child are key here. Discuss options with them for implementing their transition goals, medical and non-medical. Approaching their concerns and desires with the upmost earnestness and sincerity will mean the world to your child who just wants to be seen for who they truly are.
Think of some comforting words and phrases which communicate to your child that you understand them, and that you will do everything in your power to assist them in their gender journey. Consider saying something like this: “I’m listening. I believe you and I’m going to do whatever it takes to support you and get you everything you need. I love you for who you are, and I fully accept your true identity. How can I support you?”
Also tell you child that you’re doing research to learn about gender dysphoria and trans topics. They will appreciate your taking time to truly understand what they are going through. To see a list of official TYEF recommended readings, see our “Resources for Parents” page. You’ll also find information about our binder donation program for low-income families there.
TYEF is always here to support trans youth and their families. Tell your child about our popular trans youth camps, and direct them to our “Resources for Youth” page. Introduce your child to TYEF’s support groups, and find local trans/LGBTQ+ youth organizations near you so that your child can find their community. At the end of the day, trans youth want to feel seen, heard, and taken seriously. Listening to them and safely connecting them with other trans youth will help incredibly.
Thank you, parents, for all that you do. The fact that you’re reading this shows your support and acceptance for your child – and that means everything to them. Let’s see our children how they see themselves.
Banner image credits: https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/raising-a-transgender-child/