Taking Down Old Pictures

Many trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming youth may feel deeply uncomfortable having pictures of themselves pre-transition around the house. These pictures can trigger a youth’s gender dysphoria, reminding them of a painful past life which wasn’t right for them. Old pictures can convey to youth that there used to be (and perhaps still is) an incongruence between their own deeply held gender identity and their body. These difficult feelings can evoke emotions of disorientation, dysphoria, discomfort, unhappiness, trauma, and more. Zada Kent, the mother of a transgender son, writes that her son experienced gender dysphoria upon seeing pre-transition photos of himself that “didn’t coincide with who he is.” Gender dysphoria is an important medical matter that needs to be taken very seriously, so listening to your child’s concerns is essential.

            In these situations, it is important for parents and family members of trans youth to listen with an open mind. Leave aside your own feelings, because your child’s feelings are likely more intense than you imagine. Your child feeling comfortable and validated in their identity is more important than keeping up old photographs on public display. As Zada Kent earnestly puts it: “removing some family photos off my walls . . . seemed like an easy price to pay for my son’s mental well-being.” While not all trans youth are unhappy having pictures of their past selves on display, a majority of them are. So, it’s important to approach this topic with sensitivity, an open mind, and an understanding heart.

            Many parents report feelings of loss when their child undertakes a gender affirmation, so it’s understandable that removing old family photographs could exacerbate these emotions. Irwin Krieger writes in Counseling Transgender and Non-Binary Youth that “it helps parents to know that these feelings [of loss] are common. Parents may need to grieve.” Krieger goes on to say that “one of the best remedies for parents’ sadness is seeing their child flourish in their affirmed identity.” It’s normal to grieve the loss of the child you thought you had – but they are still the same person. This is a point many trans youth try conveying to their parents who are struggling to cope with their transitions – that they are ultimately a more authentic, happy, and true version of themselves. Who your child is as a person hasn’t changed, they are just affirming their own identity. And taking down old photographs may be a part of this affirmation.

            In addition, keeping up pre-transition pictures could “out” your child to others who are not aware of their trans identity. This can create awkward situations that may trigger your child’s dysphoria and cause them to feel deeply uncomfortable.

So, try keeping old photos in your dresser or a shoebox – somewhere that your child won’t be forced to see them. This way, you can reminisce in past memories privately while protecting your child from the emotional turmoil of seeing themselves before they were living authentically. It’s possible that your child may not be bothered by these photos later on in their transition. But for now, just listen to them and do what you can to make them feel at ease.

            Sarah J., a transfeminine author from An Injustice! Magazine, has a very creative approach to dealing with old pictures. She says that digitally ‘regendering’ old photographs to make yourself look like who you know yourself to be can help conquer dysphoria. This can be done through mobile apps (many of which are free these days) where you can alter hair length, add or remove makeup, change clothes, and more. Sarah J. powerfully says:

“So, if altering old photographs helps erase dysphoria, then, yes, we should regender them. In the end, regendering photographs is not so much creating a past that never was, it’s about capturing a past that we could not show until now.”

Digitally altering old photographs can help reclaim a past self which many trans youth weren’t able to express. In doing so, trans youth can work to overcome their dysphoria and encourage authentic self-expression.

           At the end of the day, the best way to go navigate old photographs is by listening to your child. If they want you to take these photos down (which they likely will), it’s important to respect their wishes. Taking their concerns seriously will help ease their dysphoria and foster a safe home environment where your child can thrive and grow unhindered.

 Sources:

Irwin Krieger, Counseling Transgender and Non-Binary Youth: The Essential Guide. 2017. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. https://smile.amazon.com/Counseling-Transgender-Non-Binary-Youth-Essential/dp/1785927434.

Sarah J., from An Injustice! Magazine. 2020. https://aninjusticemag.com/should-we-alter-old-photos-to-erase-dysphoria-55ae799ef0ee.

Zada Kent, from Medium. 2020. https://medium.com/lgbtqueer-ies/pretransition-pictures-to-display-or-discard-f5059b87b34d.

Non-Binary Youth

Non-binary is an umbrella term for an endless range of gender identities which fall outside of the traditional gender binary of man versus woman, or boy versus girl. Non-binary individuals may identify at any point along the gender spectrum, or even outside the spectrum altogether. Non-binary people do not identify as exclusively male or female all the time. Non-binary falls under the transgender umbrella, since non-binary people do not identify with their assigned gender at birth. Many non-binary people consider themselves to be trans, but not all do. Non-binary people are trans if they feel this label suits them. Just like binary trans people, some non-binary people undergo medical transition while others don’t.

Non-binary shares similarities with gender queer, but they are not synonymous. In Transgender Children and Youth Elijah C. Nealy says that for gender queer people, “their gender identity does not neatly fit into one of the two binary boxes labeled male or female.” This is a trait that non-binary and gender queer people share. However, gender queer came into popular usage at least 10 years before non-binary did, and gender queer is more associated with the counterculture movement seeking to ‘queer’ or deconstruct the gender binary. While many non-binary people may have problems with the gender binary and wish to expand it, the term does not have political or countercultural connotations like gender queer does. Some non-binary people identify as gender queer, while others don’t. Non-binary is not a political term; it simply refers to anybody whose gender identity falls outside of the female-male gender binary.

Non-binary includes an infinite number of gender identities, so we can’t list them all here. Some examples include agender people, who do not feel they have any gender. Bigender people identify as two genders, either at the same time or moving between them. Check out the TYEF Glossary for more definitions, although this is not an exhaustive list. Some non-binary people just identify as non-binary, and don’t label their gender identity any more specifically than that. It’s important to remember that labels and definitions are always evolving.

According to Elijah C. Nealy, “given that their identity is neither male nor female, some nonbinary youth use . . . gender-neutral pronouns.” While some non-binary people are okay with the pronouns traditionally associated with their assigned gender at birth, many opt for neutral options like singular they/them/their pronouns. There is also a whole world of neopronouns such as ze/zir/zirs and xe/xym/xyr which many non-binary people feel more comfortable using. Ultimately, pronouns are a personal preference and non-binary youth should use whichever pronouns make them feel the most comfortable and validated in their identities.

Non-binary youth may face a range of difficulties often not experienced by binary transgender youth. We live in a society that adheres to a false male-female gender binary. Societal biases are present in many aspects of daily life, ranging from public restrooms to doctors’ forms, and more. We need to nurture positive, accepting, and supportive environments in our homes, schools, communities, and society for non-binary youth. Non-binary people belong, and TYEF stands with and supports the non-binary community. Trust the non-binary youth in your lives – they are who they say they are and their identities are valid.

In the News: 

https://www.hrw.org/news/2021/06/30/x-passports-us-mark-shift-toward-respecting-gender-diversity?fbclid=IwAR3rcOSWeKI5sbs2b_rmyxU_dAcRaVR52qVYLs9uxEPkg8ehXtv_gpErPoI#

The new U.S. law on June 30th 2021 will allow applicants to select “X” for non-binary or unspecified on their passports.

https://www.cnn.com/2021/06/23/us/nonbinary-survey-study-number-trnd-wellness/index.html?fbclid=IwAR3OdUQL-UQn-48zeheEXl5Q3l6aLdHve_EmnkcWiR4mVBUIFLF7Wdf5LNw

 A new study finds that 1.2 million non-binary people live in the U.S.

Sources:

Transgender Children and Youth by Elijah C. Nealy, PhD, MDiv, LCSW. 2017. 

Nonbinary Wiki. https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Nonbinary_Wiki:Dive_in!

Choosing a Good Therapist for Your Child or Yourself

How to find a therapist:

First, talk with your doctor about your situation, how you feel, your child’s symptoms. He or she will no doubt know therapists who can help with your specific issues. There are other places to start besides your primary care doctor, too. For example, many employee health care plans offer confidential help lines where you can ask questions and find therapists in your network. Another source is the National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline (1-800-950-6264).There are many kinds of professionals who offer many different types of therapy. Their individual approaches are based on their particular training and experience. The main ones include:

Psychiatrist. A doctor with a medical degree who can prescribe medication. He or she often helps with more severe issues, such as major depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia.

Psychologist. A professional who has a PhD or a PsyD in clinical psychology. He or she can treat a full range of emotional and psychological issues, such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, but in most states cannot prescribe medication.

Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). He or she has a master’s degree plus 2,000 hours of supervised psychotherapy experience. This type of mental health professional focuses on the problems of everyday living, like stress and anxiety, relationship conflicts, and mild depression.

Clinician Nurse Specialist. Like psychiatrists, he or she can prescribe medication. This type of professional works either independently or in collaboration with a supervising physician.

Licensed Social Worker/Licensed Clinical Social Worker/Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker. Similar to a counselor in terms of education and training, a social worker focuses on solving social problems, connecting clients with appropriate resources, and helping with referrals to other professionals, if needed. - Harvard Medical School Newsletter

TYEF belongs to a gender therapy collaborative and can help locate a trained gender therapist in your area or give you hints how to find one. Some of these questions might help you gain insight about the training or level of interest of a therapist. You might find some more important then others. Ask the therapist, do you have any experience with trans youth? What ages? How many? Do you go to gender conferences? Do you read journals or books about transgender youth?Do you follow WPATH Standards of care? Do you see them as guidelines? Do you object to transition medical care for youth? Do you feel comfortable discussing the gender spectrum?If you are not happy with your choice you can always change. Contact TYEF for support! contact@transyouthequality.org

We have a famous saying at TYEF! We teach the kids that “reaching out is a sign of strength.” Encourage them to share and keep communication open.